This week is Ki Chi Saga Days. I realize that means practically nothing to most of the United States. But in my small community, Ki Chi Saga days means our community celebration. I have been involved with the festival one way or another for almost ten years now.
I value volunteering locally as a way to connect with and support my community. My family tries to volunteer when we can. My husband is a volunteer firefighter. I have various committees and groups. But Ki Chi Saga days is special to me. The friendships I have made there feel old and comfortable now. When my fellow volunteers meet, we can never believe how fast each other’s kids are growing up. And oh – I met my husband there -at my first Ki Chi Saga Days festival.
Volunteering has brought so much into my life – including a husband and our kiddos – that I always feel a little sad and alarmed about reports of declining volunteerism in the US. I know our local Lions Club and Legion is struggling to replace older members. Some social clubs and community events simply have to close down for lack of new blood.
Why don’t people volunteer as much as they used to? Work and childcare obligations are absolutely a hefty part of the equation – as lots of commentators are quick to point out. One factor rarely discussed, however, is the social dynamics of volunteering itself.
As much as I have enjoyed the friendships and connections I have made through volunteering, I have had many, many volunteer encounters that were – well simply a drag. My experiences over the years may be helpful in highlighting some frequent social pitfalls in volunteering. I also have some suggestions for how to handle these situations as well.
Four Common Pitfalls in Volunteering
Situation One: You start to feel as if all the other volunteers have known each other since kindergarten. They finish each other’s sentences. They laugh at one word, inside jokes. Eerily they all dress the same. Most people sign up to volunteer both to do good and to socialize as well. No one wants to feel like an outsider.
Of all the sins I have committed in organizing volunteer events, this is probably the one I am most guilty of. I live in a small town. Most of the time, I’m actually related by blood or marriage to most of the people I volunteer with. It can probably feel a little too clubby to someone new.
How to overcome this? I think it is most important to realize that the other volunteers aren’t making you feel like an outsider intentionally. As a result, a little effort can easily overcome this hurdle. Ask the group leader to start the next few meetings with a round of introductions, where everyone sits in a circle and introduces themselves. Offer to host the next meeting at your house. This will give others a glimpse of your personality. If this is a larger group, ask the coordinator or a long-time volunteer out to lunch. In the alternative, you could try roping in an existing friend to volunteer with you. This way you’ll have company until the ice is truly broken and you start to get all the inside jokes.
Situation Two: Volunteering for one, little thing makes you feel like you’re trapped in the tractor beam scene in Star Wars. This is the situation where you sign up to bring brownies for the bake sale and are forever bombarded with phone calls and emails thereafter asking you to volunteer for twenty other related activities and events. All in one week.
Many really worthwhile organizations are starved for cash, staff and volunteers. This can lead them to lean on the existing volunteers for more, more, more. It can be stressful and awkward to have to turn down repeated requests. It feels even worse to show up for a volunteer event feeling resentful about the drain on your time needed for other things – like say sleep, work and family.
From experience, the only solution I have found to this is a confident and firm, but polite no. This is a two step process. First, you need to say, “I’m sorry Pastor/Honcho/Fearless Leader (fill in with your choice), but I have limited time this week. I would hate to volunteer for something that I might not be able to actually show up for or be able to see to completion.”
This really works – every experienced volunteer coordinator has dealt with people who promise the moon - and then never show up. This creates untold havoc.
The second step is more personal – after you say no, you need to jettison the guilt. Saying no with confidence is hard. It can make you feel like a bad person. But this isn’t the case - you’re a great person. You’re a volunteer to crissake! You give what you have. No one has the right to guilt you into volunteering more than your work situation, family obligations and mental health can sustain.
Situation Three: You show up for the first meeting and realize you were the only one who forgot their crown of thorns. I admit that I tend to see volunteering as a virtue – just like going to church and telling the truth. However, some people take this point of view a little too far. These folks tend to waste a lot of everyone’s time bragging about how much they volunteer, complaining that they have no time for themselves and tearing down others who they think “don’t do enough.” These types are easy to identify at volunteer events – they’re the ones throwing up their hands dramatically and sighing loudly.
I have to admit that this is my chief pet peeve as a volunteer. I once knew a couple who – through church, school and scouts, really did volunteer perhaps a wee bit too much. This made them irritable – so much so that they frequently bickered with each other at events about who was doing more. It was uncomfortable for everyone involved.
At first I felt really bad for this couple. However, every offer of help was ignored or outright rebuffed. For example, when I would offer to help set-up, this couple would arrive an hour earlier than the agreed upon time to do everything themselves. Then they would spend the rest of the day complaining that they were tired and never got any help.
Unfortunately, I have noticed, that these types of people seem to run rampant at all school related volunteering events. Sadly, this has dramatically limited my willingness to volunteer at my son’s school. I don’t have a solution to this situation- there is no known cure. I suggest simply moving on to another type of volunteering or group of volunteers that attracts fewer martyrs.
Situation Four: You signed up to volunteer because the group had really noble goals – but like the Donner Party they never seem to reach them. Often these groups can be fun to belong to. Meetings may involve barbeques and highballs. Lots of dish is shared. Sometimes the meetings can run hours and still not much gets done beyond socializing. This may result in the need for more meetings or even rush, emergency meetings.
These situations can often be remedied by the gentle suggestion of a written agenda for meetings. Points of business can easily be covered in the first half hour of the meeting, and socializing can happen later for those who have time to stay. If a gentle agenda suggestion doesn’t help, you may wish to simply point out at the beginning of the meeting that you can only stay for an hour (or some other fixed period of time). When you reach the hour, smile happily, tell everyone you had a great time – and then leave.
Don’t feel trapped into staying longer than you can. Eventually the group will get the point. If you are a person who prefers more formal meetings, consider choosing to volunteer with organizations associated with your profession. For example, I am an attorney. Most of the volunteer experiences associated with my bar association run with an agenda, bylaws and structured meetings.
Keep At It Until You Find the Right Group for You:
Social relationships in volunteering can be just as challenging and frustrating as those found in other aspects of life – family, marriage and work. Too many negative experiences can leave a person saying to themselves “why bother? I’ll just go fishing instead.” This is a shame not just for the volunteer, but for the whole community.
If these strategies for handling your fellow volunteers don’t work for you – follow my number one, most important tip. Don’t try to stick out a bad or unfulfilling situation. Keep trying. Like dating, sometimes you just won’t “click” with an organization and the people that run it. However, volunteer groups are run in hundreds of different ways, by all types of people. If something isn’t working, move on and find something new. A good fit may be just around the corner for you.
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